Guide · Relationship forms
Non-monogamy: ethical, honest and with consent.
More than one intimate bond at once, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved. What that means in practice, the forms, and how to start as a couple.
What is non-monogamy
What is non-monogamy?
The ethical distinction from cheating is everything. Non-monogamy is the umbrella term for any relationship form where you have, with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved, more than one intimate or sexual bond at once. It isn't about the number of partners, it's about openness: everyone knows about it, and everyone takes part voluntarily.
That's exactly why the word "ethical" or "consensual" so often comes before it. Without that openness, it isn't non-monogamy, it's cheating, with the secrecy and broken trust that comes with it. Ethical non-monogamy (ENM) isn't a separate form alongside open relationships and polyamory, it's the condition every form has to meet to count as one in the first place.
The forms
What forms does non-monogamy take?
No fixed template, but one shared starting point: non-monogamy has no fixed shape. Some couples stick to occasional sexual contact with others, some build multiple romantic relationships at once, and others let go of structure altogether. The three most common forms:
Open relationship
One primary romantic relationship, with room for sexual contact with others outside it, according to agreements you make together.
Read the definition →Polyamory
A step further than an open relationship: multiple full romantic relationships at once, each with its own emotional depth, all with mutual consent.
Read the definition →Shared experiences as a couple
Exploring together as a couple, for example during an evening at The Pineapple Club or a visit to a parenclub, without it changing anything about the primary relationship.
Read the definition →There's also a whole vocabulary for naming specific roles and dynamics: a metamour is your partner's partner, a polycule is the network of people connected to each other through relationships, NRE is the excited rush of a new connection, a throuple is a relationship between three people, and a unicorn or hotwifing dynamic describes a specific role split within a couple-centred form. None of these terms are required knowledge, but they help you be precise about what you're looking for. More on hierarchy, metamours and throuples in practice in polyamory in practice. Still not sure which term fits you best? Swinging, polyamory or an open relationship: what's the difference? lines up all three.
Making agreements
How do you make agreements within non-monogamy?
Consent is ongoing, not one-time. Ethical non-monogamy stands or falls with consent: clear, freely given and ongoing agreement, not a one-time "yes" when you first talk about it. You can adjust your boundary at any moment, including backward. An agreement that felt right six months ago doesn't have to feel right now, so that conversation stays ongoing rather than one-off.
Concrete agreements often cover what you do and don't share with each other, how you handle new connections, and what boundaries apply around health and safety. Want to practise that conversation before you have it with your partner? Betty Martin's Wheel of Consent helps with two simple questions: who's doing it, and who is it for.
Specifically starting an open relationship? Read starting an open relationship: agreements, rules and jealousy for concrete questions to kick off the conversation.
Jealousy & compersion
Is jealousy normal in non-monogamous relationships?
Jealousy doesn't disappear, it becomes something you can talk about. A common misconception is that non-monogamy means jealousy goes away. It doesn't: jealousy is a normal emotion that doesn't vanish just because you choose a different relationship form. The difference is that you make it discussable instead of hiding it, and figure out together where it comes from.
The counterpart to jealousy is called compersion: feeling joy at your partner's happiness with someone else. Compersion rarely appears on its own, it usually grows precisely by discussing jealousy together instead of ignoring or suppressing it. Research among non-monogamous couples backs this up: personal experience with a partner's extradyadic involvement predicts more compersion and less jealousy (Balzarini et al., Archives of Sexual Behavior, 2021).
How to start
How do you start the conversation about non-monogamy?
Start from curiosity, not a ready-made plan. The conversation about non-monogamy works best when it starts from curiosity, not a ready-made proposal. Discuss what appeals to you and why, without immediately trying to settle on concrete rules. Take your time, and accept upfront that the answer can also be no, or "not yet".
Practical questions that help: what exactly are you looking for, what makes you uncertain, and what do you need to feel safe if the answer turns out to be yes? There's no fixed order, but there is a shared starting point: honesty with each other, before anything changes on the outside.
Exploring together
Where do you meet like-minded people as a couple?
Non-monogamy doesn't have to stay a theoretical conversation. The Pineapple Club is active in six Dutch cities, from low-key Bar Dates to the flagship The Pineapple Club Night, with a guest list instead of an open door and hosts who actively watch over the atmosphere. Not every city has a scheduled edition at any given time, check the events page for the next date.
Still unsure which evening fits you? Check out our full overview of open-minded parties, or read parenclub or a private party: which fits you?
Frequently asked questions
Non-monogamy, briefly answered.
What's the difference between non-monogamy and cheating?
The difference is openness and consent, not the number of people involved. With non-monogamy, all partners know about each other and agree to the arrangement. Without that openness, it's cheating, with the secrecy and broken trust that comes with it.
What's the difference between an open relationship and polyamory?
An open relationship usually keeps one primary romantic relationship, with room for sexual contact with others. Polyamory goes a step further: multiple full romantic relationships at once, each with its own emotional depth.
How do you start the conversation about non-monogamy with your partner?
Start from curiosity, not a ready-made plan. Discuss what appeals to you and why, without immediately settling on concrete agreements. Take your time, and accept that the answer can be no.
Is jealousy normal in non-monogamous relationships?
Yes. Jealousy doesn't automatically disappear once you choose non-monogamy, it just becomes something you can talk about instead of hiding. Its counterpart, compersion, often grows precisely by discussing jealousy together instead of ignoring it.
Where do you meet like-minded people as a couple?
The Pineapple Club is active in six Dutch cities, from low-key Bar Dates to the flagship The Pineapple Club Night, with a guest list and hosts who watch over the atmosphere. Not every city has a scheduled edition at any given time.
Ready to take the conversation further?
Check out our open-minded parties, or apply.