Compersion

Where compersion comes from

Compersion is the term for the joy you feel when your partner has an enjoyable romantic or sexual experience with someone else. The term originated within polyamorous communities and is often described as the opposite of jealousy, although the two feelings don't necessarily exclude each other.

Research among people in consensual non-monogamous relationships shows that compersion is associated with less jealousy and higher relationship satisfaction, see this publication. The feeling is strongly linked to empathy: the better you can put yourself in your partner's happiness, the more easily compersion arises.

Compersion isn't an obligation

Feeling compersion isn't a requirement for living ethically non-monogamous, and it doesn't have to show up every time either. Follow-up research shows that compersion and jealousy often coexist, sometimes even at the same time, and that's completely normal. Putting pressure on yourself to always feel compersion just makes things harder for yourself.

Within The Pineapple Club it's not about a prescribed feeling, but about honesty about what's actually going on, even if that's jealousy. Our code of conduct is built on open communication, not perfect emotions. Some people feel compersion strongly right away, for others it only grows over time and experience, and both are completely normal. It helps to talk about it with your partner(s), precisely because compersion and jealousy often show up together. That kind of conversation prevents either feeling from quietly building up.

For example

Recognisable situations where compersion can show up: your partner tells you enthusiastically about a great date, and you feel genuine happiness for them, without it touching your own sense of self-worth. Or during a shared evening you see your partner light up in someone else's company, and just that sight feels good. Compersion doesn't have to be big, even a small feeling of warmth counts.

Related terms: Polyamory

Want the full guide to relationship forms, including making agreements, jealousy and compersion, and how to start as a couple? Read non-monogamy: ethical, honest and with consent.