NRE

What happens in the first weeks of a new connection

NRE stands for new relationship energy. It's that tingly, almost euphoric feeling where you think about someone all day and everything feels light. The term comes from the American polyamory community, but anyone who has ever fallen in love knows the feeling. Polyamory researcher Elisabeth Sheff describes it in Psychology Today as "the glowing, exciting, bubbly feeling of being enraptured with a new partner".

It's also a temporary phase. An article in Inter magazine, based on bachelor research at the University of Amsterdam, describes the in-love phase as lasting from several weeks to some years. After that, the intense excitement gives way to a calmer sense of closeness.

NRE when you already have a partner

In non-monogamous relationships NRE stands out more, because you experience new infatuation alongside a familiar relationship. That's lovely, but it can also mean existing relationships get a little less attention for a while. That's why it helps to consciously keep giving time, energy and attention to the people who are already there. It stops your partner feeling like second place. Sheff notes that experienced polyamorists recommend "overcompensating" with the longer-term partner, through date nights, gifts and renewed intimacy.

What NRE is not

NRE isn't a fake feeling and it says nothing about the value of your existing relationship. It's simply a phase, and it's normal for the feeling to settle over time. That doesn't mean something is going wrong. You also don't need to be polyamorous to feel NRE, although the word mostly lives in that world.

How to let NRE land well

• Keep making time for your partner, even when your head is with someone new.
• Talk about it and share what you feel, without turning it into a comparison.
• Don't make big decisions in the first rush. Sheff advises against major life decisions within the first year of any kind of relationship.
• Allow the other person their joy too. That's called compersion.

For example

• Your partner comes home glowing from a date and talks about nothing else.
• You notice you can't put down the messages from someone new.
• You deliberately plan an evening together, precisely because the new connection takes up so much room.

Want the full guide to relationship forms, including making agreements, jealousy and compersion, and how to start as a couple? Read non-monogamy: ethical, honest and with consent.