Starting an open relationship: agreements, rules and jealousy

Starting an open relationship often feels more daunting than it needs to. Not because it's complicated, but because there's no fixed roadmap you can tick off together. What does help: a few concrete questions that make the conversation easier, and knowing that jealousy is part of the journey, not a sign that something's wrong.

Starting the conversation

It works best to start from curiosity, not a ready-made proposal. Discuss what appeals to you and why, without immediately trying to settle on concrete rules. Take your time, and accept upfront that the answer can also be no, or "not yet".

For more background on the distinction between non-monogamy and cheating, and why openness is the core of it, read our guide to non-monogamy.

Making concrete agreements

Agreements work best when they're concrete, not vague principles. The questions below help give the conversation direction.

None of these questions has one right answer. What matters is that you've both answered them, rather than one of you assuming what the other would think.

Handling jealousy

Jealousy doesn't automatically disappear once you choose an open relationship. It just becomes something you can talk about instead of hiding. Want to go deeper into this topic, including where compersion comes from? Read the "Jealousy & compersion" section in our guide to non-monogamy.

Common pitfalls

Three patterns show up often with couples just starting out, and all three are avoidable with a bit more precision in the conversation beforehand.

None of these pitfalls mean an open relationship isn't right for you. Mostly, they mean it's worth making the agreements from the start of this article concrete, instead of leaving them as loose principles.

When do you check in

An agreement that felt right six months ago doesn't have to feel right now. So deliberately plan moments to look back together, not only once something's already gone wrong. Simply ask each other: does this still feel right, and is there anything we want to adjust? Having that conversation regularly prevents small discomforts from piling up into a bigger problem.

Boundaries that often get overlooked

Beyond the four main categories in the table above, there are a few specific boundaries couples often only discover after they've already run into them.

Time and scheduling. How many evenings a week or month feels right for contact outside the relationship? Does that change during holidays, busy work periods, or around important shared moments like birthdays? Practical questions like these prevent one of you from unexpectedly feeling sidelined.

Emotional involvement. Some couples draw a line between purely physical contact and something that starts to look like a real relationship, and agree on when it's time to talk about that. Others find that distinction artificial. Neither is wrong, as long as you both know which of the two applies to you.

Visibility to others. Do friends, family or colleagues know your relationship is open? Can a new connection show up on social media, or does that stay deliberately private? This is a boundary people often forget to discuss, until the moment someone posts a photo that would have been better left unposted.

None of these three need a fixed answer right away. The point is knowing the question exists, so you don't run into it by accident.

How this fits The Pineapple Club

This conversation doesn't have to stay theoretical. Many couples just starting an open relationship want to get a low-key feel for the atmosphere first, before committing to anything. Bar Dates is deliberately our most low-key format for that: an evening in a regular bar, with no membership or required programme.

Further reading