Soft swap / full swap

Why soft swap and full swap mean different things to different people

Within swinging, people use the terms soft swap and full swap to agree how far they go. There is no fixed definition. Some use soft swap to mean that kissing and touching with others is fine, while full swap can include penetrative sex. Others are stricter: for them a soft swap means everyone stays with their own partner in the same room. The Homosaurus vocabulary defines soft swap as a partner swap where sexual activities happen in the same shared space, so all partners are within sight of one another.

Sex educator Emma Hewitt explains in Out that soft swapping usually comes with more boundaries and often rules out penetrative sex outside the relationship, while full (or hard) swapping allows it. She cautions against blanket rules and advises being specific, because partners may define "sex" and "cheating" differently.

That's why the most important advice is: always ask what someone exactly means, and make it concrete. Say who, what, where and with whom.

What soft swap and full swap are not

They aren't levels you have to work through. A soft swap isn't "less" than a full swap, and you never have to move from one to the other. Many couples stay with soft for years and feel perfectly fine about it. It's also not blanket permission: an agreement about soft or full is between the people involved, and it doesn't replace consent in the moment.

Soft swap and full swap at The Pineapple Club

At The Pineapple Club everyone decides for themselves how far the evening goes. Nobody has to join in, and a "no" is always enough, no explanation needed. Our hosts look after the atmosphere, and our code of conduct describes how we treat each other's boundaries.

How to make agreements about it

• Talk it through as a couple beforehand: what is and isn't okay, and what you each mean by soft or full.
• Agree a stop signal, for example a safeword.
• Check in with each other during the evening to see whether the agreements still feel right.
• Talk it over afterwards about what went well and what you'd like to change.

For example

• Two couples are in the same room, but everyone stays with their own partner.
• A couple agrees on kissing and touching with others, but nothing further.
• After a while, a couple deliberately chooses more, once they have talked it through at length.